Facade - 假面

I blog about my life. This makes anonymity very important to me. I live a double life. I enjoy sex a lot, but have to keep quiet about it. As an Asian woman, I am expected to live a respectful, conservative life. For Chinese, premarital sex, especially promiscuous premarital sex is frowned up. Chinese are very conservative sexually. That's not to said we are pure and never done anything amoral. It is as much about being quiet as being a pure and moral person. It is consider a disgrace and “losing face” if I made the intimate details of my life well known. Well, not like everyone is telling everyone else about their sex life. But for me, I have to be especially careful not to reveal anything. Only some of my most trusted friends knows. Not even my mom knows what's going on. I have to put a respectable front. I pretend to be a nice, reserved Asian woman. I can't not reveal anything to my co-workers, some of whom I am getting alone really well, and my family and friends about my sex life. I prefer to keep that a secret. I am fearful of what my family and friends would think of me if they know what I did last weekend. Well, actually, they would think that I am a slut and my mom pretty much will disown me. My co-workers will laugh at me behind my back. I want to avoid that at all cost.
Come to think of it, even though American like to think that they are more liberal sexually, compare to Asian. They aren't. They are as much conservative as Chinese. They are the same when it come to being quiet and maintain a respectable facade. Perhaps that's the common for all male dominated cultures worldwide. I bet I won't have to hide if I am a guy. But because I am a woman, people, regardless of cultures and races, will label me “slut.” Well, that's for another topic.
I want to be honest without revealing my true identity. So there we go: Karen is my real name, Fow is not. Fow is an important name to me, which is why I choose that name as my Google account. My Chinese nickname is “Little Flower”, I used it as my twitter account Karen_Flower. Everyone else, their names have been changed, though everything else remained truthful.

我的文章都關於我的生活。這使得匿名對我非常重要。我過著雙重生活。我非常享受性愛﹐但是要保持低調。身為一個亞裔女子﹐我被期待過著受人尊敬﹐保守的生活。對華人而已﹐婚前性行為﹐尤其是放蕩的婚前性行為﹐是會被指責的。華人在性愛上是保守的。這並不是說華人很純潔﹐從來沒做過色情的事﹐對華人而已﹐靜靜的不讓人知道的做跟完全不做一樣重要。如果我的私生活細節被公開﹐那是會被認為是丟臉不光彩的。當然不是說其他人都隨意的公開自己的性生活細節。對我來說﹐我要特別小心不要公開。只有極少數我非常信任的朋友才知道。連我媽都不知道發生什麼事。我必須放上受人尊重的假象。我假裝是個乖巧﹐含蓄的亞裔女子。我不能告訴我的同事﹐不少同事相處得很不錯﹐我家人朋友也不能知道我的性生活。我寧可保存秘密。我害怕如果家人朋友發現我上週末做了什麼﹐他們會如何看待我﹖他們一定會認為我是個蕩婦﹐我媽肯定會跟我斷絕母女關係。我的同事一定會在背後嘲笑我。我會盡全力避免讓他們發現。
仔細想想﹐雖然美國人認為他們比亞洲人在性愛上開放。他們其實沒有。他們跟華人一樣保守。他們跟華人一樣﹐都要面子﹐要低調﹐保存一個受人尊重的假象。這大概是全世界男性主導的社會的同病吧。我敢打賭如果我是男的﹐就不用隱瞞一切。但是因為我是女人﹐人們﹐不論種族文化﹐都會把我貼上“蕩婦”的標籤。這又是另一個大題目了。
我想要在不公開自己身份的情況下誠實﹕我的本名是Karen﹐Fow不是我的名字﹐而是我生命中一個很重要的名字。所以就拿來當作Google的帳號。我的中文小名是“小花”﹐我拿來當作我的twitter帳號 karen_flower