Learn something new: Floozy

As an immigrant myself, my English was poor when I first came to the US. There were a lot of words that I never heard of. Like floozy. I didn't know what that mean because I never heard of the word. It's not a word that I learned in school nor did I encountered it. Until my first full time job. That was a few month after I graduated college. A girl called me floozy in my face at work. I was very promiscuous back then. Well, ok, maybe still am to a lesser degree. Anyway, I slept with many of my co-workers and superiors at that company. The company was a medium sized company with a few hundred employees total. No, I didn't sleep with everyone, though I heard rumors that suggest I did. I pretty sure there are guidelines/policy regarding sexual harassment and sex in general on the employee handbook. After a few weeks that I started there, I started to slept with my co-workers and superiors. My first sexual partners was my direct supervisor. He was flirting with me while training me. One thing lead to the other, I slept with him. Then I slept with other co-workers who flirted and being nice to me. I didn't have any romantic feeling toward them. I slept with them because I love the attention that gave me, and I truly enjoyed sex. Of course I didn't sleep with my co-workers indiscriminately. I wouldn't sleep with them if they were married or in a serious relationship. That obviously didn't help with my reputation. Soon, I had the attention of most of my male co-workers and the jealousy of my female co-workers. That's when a girl called me floozy in my face. I was actually getting with that girl very well. It was her that told me all the unsavory rumors. She told me that girls in the office “floozy.” That how I learn the word “floozy.” By the way, she was not saints herself, being in a relationship yet still saw other men. Yet she never tried to slept with any of the male co-workers. It was her that taught me that I shouldn't fool around where my work/income is concerned. Eventually, with all rumors, unfriendliness the female co-workers had toward me, and nasty office business that worsen because of my promiscuity I decided to leave. That's a valuable lesson. I never have any sexual relationship with my co-workers ever. I even try to maintain a respectable facade. All to avoid the unpleasantness.

Dutch sailor girl put under care

A Dutch court has put a 13-year-old girl under state care for two months, stalling her bid to become the youngest person to sail solo around the world.

After read the article, I have to agree with the Dutch children protection agency and the court. The girl is too young to sail around the world. I do not doubt her sailing skills. It is her mental maturity /capacities and inexperience in the real world that I am worry about. The natural elements are not the only thing she has to face and battle. The world is full of people that will take advantage of a 13 year old girl. Whenever she is in a port for supplies, who is she going to turn to? If she blindly trusts anyone who helps her, she may be conned out of her possessions/money. However, she can’t finish her quest if she mistrusts everyone. Does she have enough life experience to know who to trust? And if things gone wrong, does she know how to deal with it? Even if her parents arrange for someone to take care of supplies, she could still be taken advantage off financially. How about her personal safety? A cute 13 year old white teenage girl all alone, surrounded by horny sailors in seaports!? I am dreadful of the consequence. I kind of understand why her parents support her decision to sail around the world. They probably want to help her to grow into an independent woman. But I think they should take baby steps. You don’t teach a baby to walk by enlist her in a marathon. You don’t teach a girl of being independent by let her sail around the world alone. This is not to say the girl should never be allowed to sail the world alone. Just take baby steps and teach her slowly. Eventually, she will be mature enough to take the trip. Obviously I don’t know this girl. When I was a 13 year old girl, I wasn’t even fully aware of boys. I was an immature girl who thinks I can take on any challenge the world could have thrown at me. She may be far more mature than I was. She could be the most intelligent, most worldly person EVER, which is why I agree with Dutch court’s decision to hold off her plan and evaluate her first. I fully support her if the court thinks she is smart enough and mature enough to take the trip.

Adult Content Warning

Adult Content Warning
I added the adult content warning after re-read my post about rape. I found the post to be too detail and explicit. I have no intention to censor the post or water down the detail. I wrote down those parts in great detail, especially the part when the kidnapper forced me to give him oral sex and some parts about when they first rape me, because I want to be honest when I wrote the post. However, it will be in bad taste if I continue in great detail how they rape me the whole night, every position, every detail. I wrote about my ordeal not so some weirdos can have cheap thrills and get off. I felt like I HAVE to write down my story. The news that a girl been kidnapped and raped stirred up memory that has been ignored and suppress from my psyche. I don't mean "suppress" in psychological term. I didn't suppress the memory into my subconsciousness and my consciousness totally unaware of the rape. That's not the case. I remember the rape vividly, I just choose to avoid and ignore the memory. But after reading the news, I felt like I must wrote down my story that has been bottle up inside of me for so long. However, the language and the imagery are too raw and explicit. I do think an adult content warning is fair.

Updated on Sept. 13, 2009: I felt that the adult content warning is fair and, indeed, necessary now that I post about my sex life in explicit details. It is my life. I have a very active sex life and I am not ashame of it. I decided to shared my life's experiences. I want to do it in total honesty. I have no intension to water down the detail or censor myself. That made the adult content warning even more necessary now.

Observation: Language

After re-read my posts about the rape and edited spelling and grammar errors, I had a startled discovery: I wrote the posts in English. My native tongue is Chinese (Mandarin). Now, I am certainly capable and comfortable of writing in English, but why wouldn't I wrote the posts in Chinese, especially for a subject as private and personal as rape? My writing process is simple: I wrote down whatever that in my mind. Normally my thoughts are half in Chinese and half in English. However, while I was writing the rape, all of my thoughts were in English. All of them, from the detail of the rape to the aftermath of the rape, I thought of everything in English. Naturally, I wrote them down in English. Why? I don't know. Just an interesting observation.

Brings back bad memory of my rape: KNX - Balwin Park PD Search for Men Who Allegedly Gang Raped Girl

KNX - Balwin Park PD Search for Men Who Allegedly Gang Raped Girl

Posted using ShareThis

This news brings back memory in college. Like the girl in this story, I was kidnapped and raped in my college by two black men. It was the sophomore year. I was walking back to my apartment alone after a night class. Looking back, it was stupid of me to walk home alone at night. But there were not a lot of crime on campus while I was there. I never had thought that I would be attacked.

Anyway, while I was walking home alone, a mini van pulled alongside of me suddenly. One man jumped out, grab me from behind, and push me into the van. The van then drove off. It happened so fast that I didn't even know what's going on. By the time I realized I was kidnapped it was too late. I looked around in terror, only met with a black man's face. His face strangely absent of emotion. Just stared at me blankly. Then, all of sudden, his face animated with a weird smirk. I screamed. Then, he started to molested me. His hands touched all over my body. I screamed on top of my lungs. I never knew I could screamed so loud. He slapped me. He slapped me so hard that immediately sent me into stupor. I heard the driver kept saying "Shut up, bitch!" The kidnapper then resume to molest me. His hands started undress me. I didn't scream but kept struggling, try to kept him away. He grabbed me, slapped me hard again, and torn my clothes open. I started to cried. He slapped me again, and then unhooked my bra, exposed my breasts. I immediately raised both my arms, tried to covered my breast. He then process to lift my dress, exposed my underwear. I kept struggling. I must struggled hard for he got angry and punch my face. Blood immediately shoot out of my nose. He didn't care but process to lower my underwear, exposed my body. One of his hand then violently insert into my body. I screamed and cried out in pain. He kept molested me, rubbed his hands all over and inside my body. Then, he stopped. He just stopped. I was still crying with tears and blood streamed from my face, but peeping to see what's going on. He took off his pants and underwear. Exposed his erected penis. I inhaled loudly. Fearful what comes next. He then said to me in a slow and low voice "if you give me a good blow job and satisfy me. I might let you go." I froze and didn't know what to think and what do. All I could hear was the driver's laughter. Then the kidnapper laughed too and said "oh, you won't give me blow job? I guess you want me to fuck you?" and slowing move towards me. I was terrified and dreadful and said in such in an almost whisper voice: "Wait." He laughed. Dreadful and embarrassed, I lean forward and started licking his penis. The driver started to laugh in a weird way. The kidnapper then asked me "Are you a virgin?" I looked up and answered "no." He then said "then why you suck dick so badly? I guess you want me to fuck you good and hard then" The driver laughed even louder. I started crying, then bent down and gave him a blow job. I conjured up whatever small amount of adult movies that I saw and desperately tried to mimicked the porn actresses. I felt nauseated and wanted to throw up while his penis was inside my mouth. But I performed oral sex as if my life depend on it. Actually, at that time I really believed my life was depend on it. Now it is fairly obvious that he just said that to get me to perform oral sex on him, and I knew it at that time. But for that 1% chance that he might actually left me go, I desperately try to satisfy him.

The kidnapper has a satisfying (don't know, just a guess) groan while I was doing it and was otherwise very quiet. Took this as a good indication, I kept going. Then the kidnapper suddenly had a low and deep groan. I knew what was going to happen. I was try to get away but his hand pushed my head down and moved my head up and down, then ejaculated into my mouth. He told me to swallow while he ejaculated. Fearfully, I complied and swallowed his cum. It was so bad with an offensive smell and taste that I wanted to threw out, but didn't. Finally, he let go of my head.

I was half relief. Hopping he would honor his words. Then I realize the van had stopped. The driver get off the front seat and I can heard him came to the door. I was desperately hoping they would left me go. The driver flung open the door with his penis exposed and erected. I screamed out loud, realized that they fully intent on raping me. This time, the kidnapper didn't slapped me or try to silent me. He and the driver started to undress me amidst my struggle. I was naked. I cried and pleaded and plead, but them ignored me. The driver then proceed to raped me. I felt him thrust inside me. It was enormously painful, as if a hot burning steel stabbing me. I cried out in pain, both physically and mentally. I kept screaming and crying but they ignored me and the driver kept raping me for a while. He ejaculated inside me. Just as I though the nightmare was over. The kidnapper forced me to turned over, and anal-raped me. It was way more painful then anything I ever felt. I screamed so loud and struggling, but he held me down and kept raping me. I felt liquid leaking out of me and smelled iron. I must be bleeding, but he didn't care and kept going. After the kidnapper finished. I was crying and plead to let me go. They ignored me and each took turn, continued to raped me and they forced me to changed into different position to satisfy them. They kept going for a long time. It felt like eternity. Toward the end of the rape I was so exhausted both physically and mentally I didn't even struggled nor screamed. Just blindly and mindlessly follow their orders. They ejaculated inside me and all over me. Finally satisfied, the kidnapper threw a cloth at me and told me to clean up. I wiped the cum off my face and body. The kidnapper then told me to get dress and would let me go. The words were so relieving I starred crying. Finally they drove the van back to where they kidnapped me, threw me to the curb, and then drove off. I was all alone on the sidewalk.

When I went back to my apartment, I immediately went to shower, try to wash away all their scents. An enormous sense of shame and pain rushed up my mind, I burst into tear while I was in the shower. Then I stayed there for two days straight. While in my apartment, all the emotions swirled in my head: shame, pain, anger, despair, depression, and sadness. I thought the nightmare was over, but the other nightmare was just beginning.

After the rape, I felt something slowing leaking away mentally. It's difficult to explain. I felt like an hourglass with sand pouring out of me. I think people never fully understood the effects of the rape on me. There was something fundamentally female about being rape. I felt like I lost something slowly. That was almost twenty years ago. It was so long yet I still remember my attack vividly. Strangely, the strongest, most vivid memory was the smell. The smell of cum and sweat and blood and feces and car exhaust and the rapists' bad breath and some sort of rubbery smell all mixed together. I almost can smell that weird, stinky scent now. The news of a girl being kidnapped and raped brought back my own memory and prompt me to wrote those long blogs. I don't know why I was motivated to write down my experience. But the act of writing is very therapeutic. I cried, and cried while writing. Now I feel a lot better. Perhaps I will keep writing my life experience as a way of therapy.

Things about me

I am a 30 something Asian woman currently live in Southern California. Work in an office for a Chinese own company for quite a few years now. Single, living alone. College grad, consider myself highly intelligent, but then, who haven't consider themselves intelligent. Like to read, surf internet, watch DVD and movies, video games (though not a avid gamer), hang out with girlfriends, shopping, fine food and gourmet, and fine art and museums. Life is adventurous for a single Asian woman in the south land.

First Blog Entry EVER. Things I might blog about

First blog entry EVER. I never blog before. I guess I will blog about anything my life. From daily activities to my thoughts and opinions. Depend on my mood and subject, I will blog in both English and Chinese.