An Psychological Episode -心病發作

Good thing I saw my psychiatrist Dr. Anna today. I had an episode last night. I was using computer as usual when the episode happened. All of the sudden, I had a panic attack. My heart beat fast. I felt scared, as if someone or something bad was going to happen, even though logically I knew I was perfectly safe in my apartment. Then, a great despair held me. I felt like sinking. My chest had this empty feeling. It also felt like I was suffocating, as if something pressed hard against my chest. I took a deep breath. Taking deep breath helped somehow. It relieved the suffocating, empty feeling. But it also worsen the panic attack. I wanted to scream, but consciously stopped myself because I didn't want to attract unwanted attention in an apartment complex. I also had some suicidal thoughts. The suicidal thoughts were relatively minor. Not as overwhelmingly as I used to had. The most strange feeling was that I felt bored. It felt as if I was going to be living in some sort of boring suspended animation for eternity. That made me wanting to scream even more, but I didn't. Weirdest thing was that while I was having this psychological episode, externally I was perfectly fine. I was still surfing internet, checking email. If someone saw me during the episode, they would only see me taking deep breath and wouldn't suspect a thing. I guess I was so used to the episode that I learned to live with it. I had a bad night of sleep. I didn't have nightmares nor insomniac. The quality of the sleep was bad. I tossed and turned all night, woke up every few hours in a cold sweat. Dr. Anna did help me tremendously today, though she warned that the psychological episode would come back in the future. She wanted me to call her immediately if the suicidal thought appear again.


幸好今天去看了我的心理醫師 Dr. Anna。昨晚我的心病發作。發作當時我如同往常正在使用電腦。突然之間﹐變得很恐慌。心跳得很快。我感到很害怕﹐好像有壞人或是壞事要發生﹐即使理智上我清楚的知道我正安全地待在公寓裡。然後是強大的絕望感從我胸口涌出。我覺得我在下沉中。我的胸口有種空虛的感覺。同時又覺得要窒息﹐仿彿有什麼東西用力的壓著我的胸口。我深呼吸。深呼吸多少有點幫助。它減輕了壓力和空虛感。可是它讓恐慌感更強烈﹐我好想大聲呼叫﹐可是有意識的停止我自己﹐因為我不願在公寓裡引來不必要的麻煩。我同時有些自殺念頭。這些自殺念頭比較輕微。沒有以前經歷過得那麼強烈。最奇怪的感覺是無聊感﹐覺得好像我一輩子要活在無聊的虛無中。這讓我更想尖叫﹐可是我沒有。最奇怪的是在我精神衰竭時﹐我外表仍然正常。我還是繼續上網﹐讀讀email。如果有人在我心病發作時看到我﹐除了看到我深呼吸之外﹐他們完全不會猜疑到有什麼事發生。我想我大概太習慣我的心病發作﹐以至於學會如何和心病和平相處。晚上睡不好。沒有作惡夢或是失眠﹐而是睡眠品質並不好。翻來覆去了一整夜﹐每幾個小時就滿身冷汗的醒來。Dr. Anna今天幫了我很多。不過她警告說這個心病未來還是會發作。她要我如果自殺念頭再出現的話﹐就要馬上打電話給她。